When the Area 51 gates are stormed like a walmart on black friday and justice is restored to the common man, people are going to be anxious to meet the aliens and show them what life on Earth is really like since they’ve probably been stuck in a glass cage since the Roswell crash in 1947. And if I know anything from the last year about the United States putting Aliens in cages…it’s that at least they’ll have aluminum blankets which Aliens can probably use their telepathic mind powers to generate enough energy to power a Model 3 Tesla. So at some point we’re going to have to send a few representatives to show the Aliens we’re not all a bunch of homoerotic nerds like the scientists who have been anal probing them for the last 70 years. And who better than a rapper? Rap has basically taken over as the most popular genre in the world. It’s had a hand in almost every trend and style for the last 20 years. Rappers teaches us important lessons in life like how to invest your temporary wealth after getting a $30,000 signing bonus by buying gold and diamond watches with no resale value or by throwing piles of money at a strippers to see boobs. Lil Nas X had the right idea in his latest Old Town Road Video but there’s no way Lil Nas X, Young Thug, and Mason Ramsey can be the first to make contact (Billy Ray Cyrus can still be in if he wants). We only get one shot at this and Mason Ramsey Yodeling Yippee-o Ki-Yay is not the first impression we should be going for.
Here are the top 3 rappers of all time that should be first in line to meet the aliens:
- Bone Crusher – Never Scared
AttenCHUN! If we want the aliens to know we’re a cool species but also we’re not fucking around you gotta hit em with the King KONGGG! I AIN’T NEVER SCARED. Also probably the best song on the Madden 2004 soundtrack. And everyone knows Madden 2004 with Mike Vick on the cover is the magnum opus of the Madden franchise. Mike Vick could literally throw the ball 60 yards across to the left sideline while in a full sprint going to his right off the line of scrimmage. Better times… Only problem with Bone Crusher performing this song is the Aliens might get too amped up and run through the brick wall/bulletproof glass container and kill everyone in the room like it’s independence day.
2. Marky Mark – Good Vibrations
Nothing breaks the ice at a party better than Marky Mark and Good vibrations which samples Loleata Holiday’s 1980 banger, “Love Sensation.” Take the Aliens outside, Crack a couple miller lights lounging out by an above ground pool and let the 2nd most talented Wahlberg get those Aliens worked up into a 90’s nostalgic magical whirlwind.
3. Rappers who compare themselves to Aliens (pick 1) – Lil Wayne, Kanye West, Kid Cudi, Wiz Khalifa, B.O.B.
A lot of great options here. On one hand, Kid Cudi is the man on the moon, on another Lil Wayne seems like the obvious pick because he actually looks like the gremlin type aliens.
But the answer is actually Outkast: The ATLiens. One of the all time great hip hop groups and Andre 3000 might be a top 5 lyricist of all time. His bars have always been on another level. I don’t think anyone could look an alien in their face and keep their cool better than Andre “Ice Cold” 3000. If the Aliens are feeling hostile they’ll forget any animosity they might have had once they’re listening to “So Fresh, So Clean” & “Ms. Jackson.”
Barstool Music 